Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Randomize
