Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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