you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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