We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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