I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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