dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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