I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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