And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
