I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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