But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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