His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
