I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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