Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
