John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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