umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
