I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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