If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
