do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
