she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
