i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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