I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sober January is a disaster.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
