it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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