Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
