Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
