sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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