My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
