Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The Olympian is in my bed
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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