you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
