We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You have to summon your inner elephant
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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