You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Oh god it's open bar.
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