My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
