im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
