a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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