I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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