i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
