Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize