she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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