what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
