Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
