Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
