Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
