Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
