hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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