My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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