I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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