Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
