i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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