You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
