this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize