Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
