Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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