Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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