At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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