just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
