You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
