hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
