i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize