evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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