____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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