The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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