yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
